ADAM’S HANDS’ LESS THAN EPIC ADVENTURES

8. “And you even dare to call yourself gay?”

Blaine needs two weeks to finally come to terms with the fact that Adam and him are probably better off. What was happening between them was weird and kind of creepy anyway, Blaine had started to anticipate Adam’s visits and, by the way Adam looked at him whenever he was around, it was clear he had started liking it way more than he should too.

It’s better this way, really. If, to get here, they had to get to the point of actually assaulting each other and then, still burnt by what had happened, decide it was better not to ever see each other again, well, that’s exactly what had to happen, and Blaine’s fine with it. It’s not like he doesn’t have a life of his own to take care of. It’s not like he doesn’t have friends – friends his age, friends that are not the new boyfriends of his ex-boyfriends – to hang out with. Sam has been pestering him for the last week incessantly, always asking when he was going to be free, when he was going to have some time to spend with her, when could she take him out for lunch to meet her new boyfriend. She already changed boyfriend thrice since the first time she asked him, it’s starting to become pointless to even ask again.

Blaine’s got things to do. He’s got people to see, clubs to hit, nights to fill with sex and booze until he knows his name no more. He’s busy – he can be busy, he was busy before Adam came to wreak havoc on his life like a fucking tsunami. Blaine just has to manage to mentally go back to the place he was before Adam came. Such an emotionally safe place he longs for.

This, of course, doesn’t explain in the least the sudden, wild way his heart throbs the moment somebody rings his doorbell and, opening the door, he finds Adam behind it.

This is just plain not possible. Wasn’t this over? Wasn’t it obvious it had to be? Hasn’t been the way they parted last time clear enough to make them both understand it’s better this way? Does he have to clearly scream at the kid in the face not to show on his doorstep ever again?

“Adam,” he just whispers instead. And there’s something in his voice that’s enough for Adam to raise his gaze on him and blush, and then run away from his eyes just as quickly.

“Just don’t speak,” Adam growls stubbornly, pressing his hands on Blaine’s chest to move him out of the way. Blaine frowns, but lets him do what he wants, even if only to find out what he’s aiming for. Adam walks in, slams the door closed and paces the room nervously for a couple of seconds, and only then stops abruptly right in front of the couch, turns to look at Blaine and snorts, “You’re an asshole.”

Blaine’s lips curl in disappointment as he crosses his arms over his chest. “Charming as ever.”

“I’m serious,” Adam insists, looking away as he embarrassedly passes his fingers through his blond hair, “You shouldn’t have done it. Not that— Not that way. Christ,” he snorts, “If you wanted to do… that so badly, why didn’t you just ask?! It’s not like I’ve got such a good record of denying you things.”

“Adam, it’s not like I planned it,” Blaine sighs, passing a hand over his face, “And it’s not like I spied on you because I wanted us to do things together. It just happened, sometimes things just happen and—”

“No!” Adam interrupts him, “No, see, that’s where you’re wrong, things like these don’t just happen, you weren’t passing by and casually tripped into the bathroom, you were fucking spying on me! These things don’t happen, we make them happen, you made it happen! Man up and take responsibility, at least!”

“Alright!” Blaine yells, flailing his arms in frustration, “God almighty, you’re such a pest! I’m sorry, but I already told you! I don’t know what more you want from me, it’s not like I can turn back time and make it un-happen!”

“Exactly! That’s why you should’ve never done it in the first place, can’t you understand?!”

“I understand!”

“No, you don’t!” Adam insists, walking towards Blaine and grabbing him by the collar of his shirt. Blaine puts his hands on Adam’s to try and make him let him go, almost frightened by the violence of his reaction, but the moment their fingers touch Adam backs off, biting at his bottom lip. “You… shouldn’t have done it,” he repeats, looking away, “You shouldn’t have put me in that position. That was unfair. You knew you could do it, you could have had me on my fucking knees in no time, I didn’t believe it but you could have, and you took advantage of it, and that was unfair, and mean. And just when I was starting to think you a better person.”

Blaine sighs, looking down. He knows Adam’s right. He had a power over him, he always knew he had it. Not because of his looks and his charms, not even because he’s been Leo’s boyfriend, and surely not because of Adam’s conflicting feelings towards him. He was in a position of power – he was more expert, older, more aware than Adam was, more than he could ever hope to be – and he took advantage of it. He wanted him and he used the situation, Adam’s desperation and their own peculiar wicked relationship not to force him to have sex with him, but to make it impossible for him to not need it badly enough to put everything else aside and just give him exactly what he wanted.

It was unfair, it was mean, and it probably ruined everything forever. And it’s all his fault.

“I’m sorry,” he says again. This time, he really means it.

Adam sighs, his hands on his hips, looking sternly at him for another couple of moments. “You’re forgiven,” he says then.

Blaine looks up at him in total bewilderment. “Excuse me?”

“What are you, deaf?” Adam frowns, “You gonna make me say it again?”

“No, I…” Blaine swallows, “I’m just not really sure what’s happening here.”

“And then I’m the stupid one,” Adam sighs again, shaking his head. “I forgive you. You’ve been an asshole, but you honestly apologized and I know you understood what you did wrong,” he sighs again, looking away, blood suddenly flushing his cheeks, “Just, let’s make things very clear, from now on. Because I still need to work on myself, and I still need you, and I don’t think I can walk out of here, today, if I’m not sure I still have you by my side in this, but a thing like that cannot happen again. I’m okay if we wanna jerk off together a couple of times or so, that’s not the problem, it’s okay if it’s meaningless, but that was…” he swallows, “Too intense, and I can’t handle something like that with you again, ever. Am I making myself clear?” he asks, looking up at Blaine again. There’s no trace of embarrassment and uncertainty left in his eyes.

Blaine smiles sweetly, nodding in agreement. “You’re very brave,” he says, and Adam instantly looks away again.

“Shut up.”

“Alright,” Blaine chuckles softly, heading to the kitchen. “Want some coffee with whatever you’re going to tell me about what didn’t work between you and Leo in the last few days?”

“Hot chocolate?” Adam asks, eyes shining like a cat’s.

“Coming right up,” Blaine smiles, turning the stove on and fussing about the kitchen to prepare hot chocolate for two. “So?”

Adam sighs deeply, sitting at the table and crossing his arms on it. “I have no idea what happened,” he says, as horrible stills of the last nightmarish couple of days with Leo start crowding his head, “It’s like I completely lost control over everything you’ve taught me.”

“This could be my fault,” Blaine chuckles, dissolving the chocolate powder into the warming up milk, “I destabilized you. You weren’t in your right mind when you walked out of here.”

“Okay, but it’s ridiculous that I haven’t been able to get a hold of myself in the next days,” Adam insists, angry at himself, “Like… everything’s been a mess, since I stopped coming here! Every time we tried to have sex, something’s turned up wrong. Either I came too quickly, or he couldn’t get in the mood, or he was and I pulled him out of it, or I couldn’t even get hard! Can you believe it?” he almost yells, looking up at Blaine, “I couldn’t even get hard!”

“Adam!” Blaine laughs, pouring hot chocolate in two cups and offering Adam one, “Seems to me you’ve got some bad case of performance anxiety.”

“You saying I’m impotent?” Adam narrows his eyes, glaring at him.

“No,” Blaine chuckles, sitting down and sipping at his chocolate, “I’m just saying it’s possible that your visits here served more than just one purpose. You tend to work yourself up a lot, about sex, when Leo’s involved—”

“Of course I do, he’s insufferable!” Adam points out, “He’s overwhelming and demanding and challenging and I’m sure, if I ever have a nervous breakdown, it’s gonna be because of him!”

“Careful not to have one now, though,” Blaine laughs, “I’m unpredictable when I’m dealing with emotionally vulnerable kids.”

“Shut up and don’t joke about it,” Adam pouts, and then sighs, grabbing his hot chocolate cup and hiding into it. “I’m serious, and I’m scared.”

“And you’re making a big deal out of nothing, as usual,” Blaine smiles reassuringly, patting him on his head, “What I meant was that, if you work yourself up like this, of course your performances are doomed to suffer from it. When you used to come here, it was simpler: you came, I helped you out improving your technique, so to speak, and in the process you also managed to let some steam out. This way, when you went back home to Leo, you still weren’t one hundred percent sure of what you had to do to give him pleasure, but at least you were relaxed.”

Adam looks up at him and takes some time to let his words sink in, as he keeps drinking his chocolate. “So you’re saying I needed to jerk off here to feel less pressure there. Like when you have to wash last week’s dishes and you do half in the morning and half in the evening.”

“…let’s pretend you didn’t just say sometimes you find yourself in need to wash dishes left there in the sink for an entire week,” Blaine sighs, shaking his head, “That’s basically the principle, yes. Instead of meeting Leo both anxious and sexually frustrated, you were still anxious, but at least sexually satisfied. Most men don’t realize how much sexual satisfaction influences their performances, not only in bed, but in every aspect of their life.”

“I swear, if you start talking like my sociology manual I’m gonna stand up and leave,” Adam threatens him, putting down the cup and looking sternly at him, “Talk easy! Or, if you can’t, at least undress, so I can distract myself and stop listening to you.”

“Maybe later,” Blaine chuckles, drinking some more chocolate. “What I’m saying is, people generally perform better when they’re satisfied. And there’s nothing that satisfies people more than a good orgasm. It’s simple as that.”

“Okay, but,” Adam whines, “It’s not like I can keep coming here forever, Blaine. We’ve gotta work on this, we’ve gotta fix it.”

“Alright, alright,” Blaine nods as he finishes his chocolate and pushes the cup aside. “Alright, let’s start with this: what’s been the worst moment of the last two weeks? The one you will always remember as the lowest point you ever touched in your life.”

Adam mutters something unintelligible in his cup, blushing furiously at the question. “Dunno…” he says then, in such a low whisper it’s amazing Blaine could even manage to catch it, “The fingering thing, I guess.”

“The what?” Blaine asks, arching his eyebrows in surprise.

“Fingering!” Adam repeats louder, frowning at him, “Why do you always have to have me repeat embarrassing things twice?!”

“Well, it’s usually very funny,” Blaine admits, “But, in this particular situation, I just didn’t get it because you were talking as if you had your mouth stuffed with dick.”

“Blaine!”

“Oh, please,” he sighs, casting an annoyed glance to the ceiling, “Spare me the iron maiden bullshit. So, what about this fingering gone wrong? Tell me more.”

Adam looks down, embarrassed, suddenly finding way more interesting to follow the outlines of the small cats and moons stamped on his still warm cup, then to actually look at Blaine as he speaks. “Well… as I told you, it kind of happened that it wouldn’t get hard, despite Leo trying. And he tried a lot.”

“Somebody should really scold that kid, though,” Blaine comments, arching an eyebrow, “I’m almost sure there’s some weird dub-con thing going on here.”

“I don’t even know what that means,” Adam says, and when Blaine opens his mouth to explain he interrupts him, “And I don’t even care. Anyway, I’m there, my dick’s completely dead and Leo looks at me as if I was trying to starve him or something… and he tells me he’s horny as hell and I should at least be considerate enough to take care of him. So, okay, I tell him, I’ll jerk you off, but I could see he wasn’t satisfied with just that. I mean, he didn’t complain right away, but he had that face he usually has when you’re giving him something and it’s not that he doesn’t like it, but he’d like something else better. You know?”

“Actually, no,” Blaine chuckles, “He never had to complain with me.”

“Well, thank you, that’s exactly what I needed to hear,” Adam pouts, crossing his arms over his chest.

“I’m sorry,” Blaine laughs, shrugging. Actually, he knows what Adam’s talking about. Leo used to have that expression darkening his pretty features every time he asked Blaine to stay around for just one more day or so, and Blaine always answered him he had to go back home. “Anyway?”

“Anyway,” Adam resumes, “I’m there, jerking him off, and I think I’m doing fine, but I just want it over ‘cause I’m not really into it and I’m thinking I should be doing my homework, and he starts to squirm. And I’m like, what the fuck got into you, and at first he didn’t wanna say, but eventually it comes out he’s really itching for something up his ass, and I’m like whoa.”

“Like whoa?” Blaine asks, blinking confusedly.

“Well, yeah, we had never done it before,” Adam nods, “I had never touched him there.”

It’s like hearing him say he had never jerked Leo off before, all over again. Seriously, sometimes nothing about Adam makes sense. Blaine gets that it can be hard, for a guy that’s supposedly been straight all his life, to suddenly have to deal with upsetting things like dicks sticking in holes that they never thought could be used like that, or fingers having to touch parts of another male body that they hadn’t ever thought they could touch on themselves either, but somebody must draw a line between not having a clue of what to do and sheer stupidity, and if that somebody must be him, then he’s going to do it as clearly as he can.

“Adam, you’re an idiot,” he says, simply as that.

“What?!” Adam instantly barks, as usual reacting way more badly than he’s supposed to, “Don’t you dare, I’m baring my soul to you and you—”

“Oh, shut up!” Blaine interrupts him, standing up, “Come on, really, Adam? I just can’t believe you. Leo can be overwhelming and hard to deal with as you want, but you’d send the sanest man off the deep end in an heartbeat! I can’t believe it never occurred to you that, being with a guy, sooner or later you’d have to at least try and do stuff to him! And you even dare to call yourself gay?”

“Actually, I don’t,” Adam frowns, annoyed at Blaine’s stern monologue.

“That was a rhetorical question, Adam,” Blaine sighs, leaning against the table and passing a hand over his face.

Adam sighs too, standing up and lightly pushing Blaine’s shoulder with his own. “You angry at me?”

“What does this question even mean, right now?” Blaine asks, casting him an almost desperate look.

“You seem angry,” Adam shrugs.

“I’m annoyed at your foolishness,” Blaine answers with the umpteenth sigh.

“Have you always been so judgmental?” Adam asks back, frowning a little, “Seriously, you’re so upsetting. Everybody who doesn’t do things your way is wrong, in your opinion.”

“Well, it’s kind of obvious, isn’t it?” Blaine tries, arching an eyebrow, “If I do things in a way, it means that I’m convinced it’s the best, so whoever does them differently…”

“Is just a different person, Blaine,” Adam finishes with a small smile. And Blaine looks away not to have to agree with him. “Anyway, I’m not saying I don’t want to do it,” Adam goes on, “I actually tried. But I made a mess, I couldn’t do it properly and he didn’t like it. At some point, he just asked me to stop and gave up on it. I swear, I had never seen him give up on sex. He didn’t even jerk off on his own, after that, he just washed his hands and cooked for an entire army for the next six hours.”

“He does that, doesn’t he?” Blaine actually chuckles, looking at Adam, “When World War 3000 3D doesn’t help.”

“It’s Zombiepocalypse Unleashed, now,” Adam chuckles too, “But yeah, it’s more or less the same thing.”

Blaine chuckles again, and then sighs, putting a hand on Adam’s nape and pulling him close to kiss him on his forehead. “Alright, my personal opinion here is,” he says, moving away and towards the bedroom, “You’ll never be able to do it properly to somebody else until you do it to yourself first.”

“I was worried that was where you were going,” Adam sighs sadly, following him, “It’d be of no use to tell you I’d prefer to lick a public restroom clean than stick fingers up my ass, am I right?”

“You’re right,” Blaine nods, dropping on his bed and kicking off his shoes before sitting more comfortably on it, “Come on, you’re telling me you’ve never been curious to understand if there actually is a reason why people would want things stuck up their asses?”

“Not in the least,” Adam answers, kicking away his sneakers too and kneeling on the bed, “And don’t make it sound as if it was crazy of me not to want it! Why would somebody want things up there, anyway?”

“Because it feels good,” Blaine answers, shrugging lightly.

“It hurts too, though,” Adam points out.

“That doesn’t seem to bother you, when you’re doing it to Leo, does it?” Blaine asks with a giggle.

“Well…” Adam hesitates, taken aback by the sudden question and finding himself not to know what to answer, “It’s… It’s different.”

“Ah, I’m sure it is,” Blaine chuckles, and then pats on the mattress right beside himself, “Come on, drop your pants.”

“You’re not touching me, are you?” Adam asks, suspicious.

“Of course not,” Blaine shakes his head, “It’d be pointless. This is an experience you have to do by yourself and for yourself. I’ll just provide distraction and useful advices, if necessity arises.”

“Funny you’d choose that word…” Adam jokes, as he awkwardly unfastens his belt and pushes his pants down, “’Cause, as you can see, nothing has arisen yet.”

“It will,” Blaine chuckles, “Do you want some help with that?” he asks.

Adam groans and drops down, hiding his face against the pillow and closing his fists around the soft, fresh cotton of Blaine’s pure white sheets. “I don’t know…” he mutters confusedly, “It’s weird.”

“Of course it is,” Blaine chuckles, “Try and move.”

Adam sighs and thrusts his hips upwards, still clinging to the sheets. A restless moan escapes his lips, but he himself doesn’t know if it’s arousal or frustration coming from lack thereof. “I don’t know,” he whines, “Why does everything have to be so complicated, with you?”

“You’re the one who’s making things complicated right now!” Blaine actually laughs, settling back against the headboard of the bed. “Alright, listen to me, right now actual arousal is completely unnecessary. I’ll tell you more, it could even be counterproductive.”

“I don’t see how that’s possible.”

“It is, because I’m telling you so,” Blaine nods, “Stop answering back to everything I say and just follow my instructions, please.”

“What are you, now, the Martha Stewart of anal manipulation?” Adam snorts, looking up only to glare at him, but finding himself unable to be angry at him anymore when he starts laughing wholeheartedly.

“You’re such a dick,” Blaine comments, wiping a small tear from the corner of his eye, “Now, shut up. First thing you need to know, nothing can be put in there without lube.”

“Oh my God!” Adam yells, grabbing a pillow and throwing it at him, “I’ve had sex with a guy, already, do you at least remember that? I don’t need to know this!”

“God, you’re so funny when you’re angry,” Blaine laughs again, getting a second pillow thrown against his face in response. “Stop doing this!” he chuckles, “You’re a child, really.”

“You’re worse than I am,” Adam snorts, watching suspiciously his every move. “What are you doing?”

“Retrieving lube,” Blaine answers, reaching out for the top drawer of his nightstand and taking a small white bottle out of it. “Here,” he says, throwing it at Adam. The bottle lands on Adam’s head and then rolls on the bed as he whines, and Blaine laughs. “Wake up, Adam, come on.”

“Yeah, whatever,” Adam growls, retrieving the bottle and looking at it as if he couldn’t make sense out of it. “So… I pour some on my fingers and…?”

“Ah, you’re a smart kid,” Blaine nods, “You figured this far, you’ll manage with the rest too.”

“Has anybody ever told you,” Adam says, opening the bottle and squirting some lube on his fingers, making a face – as he always does – when he feels its slickness against his fingertips, “That you’re the most unpleasant and annoying man in the world?”

“Somebody did,” Blaine answers with a chuckles, “Maybe you know him, his name starts with A.”

“I can’t possibly be the only person on this planet that doesn’t worship the ground beneath your feet!” Adam insists, looking up at him as he kind of nonchalantly reaches back for his own opening, bending his right leg and lifting it up against the mattress a little to expose himself better, “It’s ridiculous, there’s nothing special about you. I mean, okay, you’re kind of good-looking,” Blaine arches an eyebrow, “Okay, you’re very handsome,” Blaine’s lips curl in a mocking smile, “Okay, fine, you’re fucking gorgeous, and sexy, even if in such a wicked way you’re disturbing. You’re fine, I guess, but what’s so special about you, in the end? Nothing! You’re average!”

Blaine groans and lifts himself up on his knees, moving swiftly closer to Adam and lying down on him, pressing him against the mattress. His smell is everywhere and Adam’s brain shuts down. “I could do things to you that would make you scream louder than in porn movies, and I could do them for hours, and I’d do them so well you’d be begging for more before I even finished,” he whispers to Adam’s ear, and then rolls off him, sitting right back where he was before. Adam’s already looking at him with wide, confused eyes, his cheeks flushed, his hips awkwardly lifted off the mattress to make some room for his newborn erection. Blaine smirks. “Now you know,” he says.

Adam clears his throat and looks down. “I hate you so very much.”

“Yes,” Blaine laughs, “I know. Now, those fingers.”

“Yeah, yeah,” he sighs. He’s actually kind of terrified at the idea of doing this. Partly because he knows it’ll hurt – Leo likes it more than Adam suspects it’s legal, but still, whenever they’re having sex, he can read pain in his eyes the moment he thrusts inside him for the first time, no matter how he could have opened himself up and made himself slick before – and partly because it weirdly feels like giving up on something. If anything, he thinks with a certain relief, he’s doing it in front of Blaine, and not in front of Leo. So, at least, if he has to suck his pride up and also look ridiculous, it won’t be in front of the only person whose mocking laughter he wouldn’t be able to stand. “Here it goes,” he says, closing his eyes and biting down at his bottom lip.

It’s weird to touch himself like that. “How does it feel?” Blaine asks softly, and Adam lets a moan out.

“It’s… sensitive,” he answers, blushing and looking away, “I didn’t expect to feel this much.”

“It’s a very delicate place,” Blaine nods, moving a little closer, “Don’t rush it.”

“I have no intention to,” Adam whines, and then breathes deeply in, “What do I… I mean,” he swallows, “Do I just push it in or something, or…?”

“You push it in,” Blaine nods, lifting himself up on his knees and looking at it. It’s kinda weird not to feel embarrassed by knowing somebody’s watching him doing something like that from up close, but it’s also reassuring, and Adam feels like he needs reassuring things, right now. So he’s thankful for it. “Slowly, though,” Blaine goes on, “Don’t force it open. Just move your fingertip around and, when you feel the muscles relax, try to push.”

Adam complies obediently, letting a couple of moans escape his lips when his finger, moving swiftly on his skin, slick with lube, touches him in particularly sensitive spots. “I could go on with just this, though,” he tries, looking back at Blaine with lucid, heavy-lidded eyes, “It’s not half bad.”

“Oh, come on,” Blaine dares him with a dirty smirk, “Don’t be a pussy, now.”

“I’m not a pussy,” Adam frowns, his lips instantly curling in a pout.

“Really, aren’t you?” Blaine mocks, arching an eyebrow.

“I’m not a pussy!” Adam repeats, “Seriously, if to convince you I have to shove this fucking finger up my ass, I’ll shove it so deep it’ll come out of my mouth!”

“Please!” Blaine laughs so hard he actually has to bend in half, one hand over his stomach, “Oh, God! Stop, I don’t want any of that,” he lies down next to Adam, on his stomach just like he’s doing, his shoulder rubbing against Adam’s with their every breath. “Come on, do it,” he says, smiling sweetly at him, “I’m right here.”

It feels like exactly what Adam wanted to hear. And when he finally does it, when he pushes his finger in deep, when he follows Blaine’s orders and curls it, and things happen inside of him, and shocks of pleasure run through his whole body in the most unexpected way, everything, for the first time, feels so right Adam can’t help but think that whatever happened, whatever’s happening and whatever will happen in the future, as weird and wicked and awkward as it might be, was, is and will be just exactly as it’s supposed to.

It’s comforting. And Blaine’s right there. Nothing can possibly go wrong.

to be continued