ADAM’S HANDS’ LESS THAN EPIC ADVENTURES

4. “What’s the matter?”

“So,” Blaine asks with a smirk as he sips at his coffee, “You haven’t told me, how’s it going between you and Leo since you started coming here?”

Putting down the mug filled with hot chocolate that Blaine prepared for him when he asked him what he wanted to drink, Adam frowns, disappointed. “Actually,” he says, “That’s something I wanted to talk to you about. I mean, if you were, I don’t know, an hairdresser, and I were paying you to deliver me a service, right now I’d sue.”

“Then I’m lucky I’m not an hairdresser, and most of all that you’re not paying me,” Blaine giggles, “What’s the matter?”

“The matter is, I’m not improving!” Adam protests, crossing his arms over his chest, “I mean, some things are actually going a little better, as for example…” he tries to think of something. It takes more than he had hoped for. “Well, let’s just say I don’t freak out like I used to, and, well, yesterday I actually wanted to jerk off and I did it and it wasn’t much of a big deal.”

“Ah!” Blaine mocks him, “You’re clearly getting better, I’m so proud of you.”

“Shut up, it is an improvement,” Adam frowns, “I mean, Leo was in the other room. I was hard and I could have gone to him, I knew he wouldn’t have minded, but I actually, well, wanted to take care of myself, for once. I mean, just come without necessarily freaking out on him touching me, and me touching him, and things happening, and not working. You know what I mean?”

“I’m not sure,” Blaine laughs. He does, of course, but Adam’s priceless when he tries to explain to him things he has no idea how to explain to himself in first place.

“I mean,” Adam gestures vaguely, grabbing his mug and swallowing some more chocolate, “I’m getting better, but still, sometimes, you know, it doesn’t work with Leo, like, something goes horribly wrong and he hates it, or I can’t, well, you know, I don’t particularly like it either, and I’ve got this feeling that, like, sometimes it’s not supposed to work, I mean, that sex can’t be, like, awesome and great every time, there are times in which, well, yeah, it just, it doesn’t do, it’s just not right, and so there are times in which one must be a man,” he hits his chest with his closed fist, proudly, “And take the matter in his own hands, so to speak.”

“Yes,” Blaine laughs, amused, “I couldn’t have said it better myself.”

“Don’t laugh,” Adam can’t help but laughing too, knowing he’s probably making a fool out of himself but figuring that, at this point, it doesn’t matter much, considering all that Blaine has seen of him, “I’m serious, it was huge for me.”

“No, but really,” Blaine nods, trying to stop his laughter, “I’m proud of you. I know you’re making progress. But you told me not as much as you wish?”

“Yeah, that’s why I’d sue,” Adam nods, finding back all his disappointment, “The thing is, okay: sex is not supposed to be always perfect. But I at least expect the times in which it’s good to even out the ones in which it sucks!”

“And… I take, from your complaints, that this is not happening?” Blaine chuckles, finishing his coffee and standing up to quickly wash the cup.

“Exactly,” Adam sighs, pushing away his chocolate to lay his head down on the table, his arms spread out as if he was exhausted by just thinking about it. “At this point, I don’t even know if it’s my fault or Leo’s fault anymore. So I decided to blame you.”

“I’m sorry,” Blaine laughs, walking back to the table, “How is it my fault?”

“Well, I came here asking for help!” Adam explains, “Your help clearly isn’t enough, so it’s your fault! It’s logic.”

“It’s ridiculous,” Blaine laughs, sitting down with a sigh, “Adam, you didn’t come here asking for something that I could provide right away. It’s not like you asked for a recipe for Christmas Eve! Or, I don’t know, a music CD! You asked to be helped to improve your skills and the general way you approach sex, and I’m doing that, but it takes time and patience.”

“Somehow, I’m still convinced you just keep me coming back here because you’re trying to screw me, one way or another,” Adam says, narrowing his eyes and looking at Blaine, suspiciously.

“Believe me, Adam,” Blaine smirks, “If I wanted to screw you, I’d have done it already. I’d have made you beg for it.”

“No, you wouldn’t have,” Adam smiles, but there’s sadness in his eyes as he looks down at his chocolate, “I’d have screamed before you could even try to touch me.”

Blaine looks at him for a couple of seconds, and then sighs deeply, leaning in and taking Adam’s cup in his hands, sipping at his chocolate. Then he pushes it back towards him, and Adam looks at his face, at the cup and back at his face for a good half minute before he finally accepts it, and sips from it too. They’re sharing chocolate, now. There’s nothing they can’t share, from now on.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Blaine asks, but it’s just a formality. He already knows the answer, and Adam doesn’t have to say yes.

“It’s just— I don’t really know what to say. How to explain it,” he sighs, looking down.

Blaine smiles encouragingly. “I’m sure you’ll find a way.”

Adam looks up and smiles back at him, shrugging lightly. “Simply put, I don’t think I can really get used to men touching me.”

“Which is good, since, from what I gathered, you don’t plan on being touched by a thousand men, but just one.”

“Yeah,” Adam sighs, looking away, “He’s… kind of included, though.”

“Why,” Blaine puts up a bewildered mask, drinking some more chocolate, “I thought none of your rules applied to Leo.”

“Yeah, tell that to my body,” Adam sighs again, rubbing his face with both his hands in distress, “I can’t control it. It just… grosses me out so much. It’s just weird.”

“Was it weird with girls too?”

“No,” Adam shakes his head, “I let them touch me. It’s just boys. It’s like, every time it happens my body screams in disgust. I just have to move away,” he sighs once more, passing a hand through his hair, “Leo can’t understand it. It makes him so angry, we end up fighting every time. He’s always telling me things like if I sicken you so much, you shouldn’t wanna fuck me at all, and… I mean, I know I’ve got issues, and he’s got a right to be upset by it, but… what else am I supposed to do?”

“Well, it depends,” Blaine answers, standing up, “If you want to keep him, maybe you should start to think about getting over it.”

“But what if I just don’t like it?” Adam asks, following him with his eyes, “What if it’s not an issue and I just don’t like being touched by boys?”

“We’ll think about it if and only if that’s the case,” Blaine smiles, walking towards him, “The thing is: you already fuck boys. Unsatisfying as it appears to be because of all the problems we’re trying to solve now, you still manage to do it without throwing up, and you like it. And fucking somebody is way more difficult than being touched by them, so I’m pretty sure this has nothing to do with you not liking it. You’re just fucked up,” he finishes with a small laughter.

“You can’t help being mean to me, can you?” Adam pouts, crossing his arms over his chest. Blaine answers with another laughter and kneels before him, and the mere movement makes a wild shiver run up and down Adam’s spine. “What are you doing?” he asks, his voice a little shaky, unable to take his eyes off him.

“I’m helping,” Blaine simply answers, reaching out for Adam’s belt and unbuckling it.

Adam lifts both his hands up in the air, alarmed. “You’re not gonna blow me, are you?”


“You’d like that,” Blaine chuckles, unbuttoning and unzipping Adam’s pants.

“I wouldn’t!” Adam almost screams, lifting up his ass from the chair as Blaine starts to tug at his pants, pulling them down his legs.

“Sure,” Blaine laughs, “Anyway, I’m not going to blow you, it’d be useless. It’s a fact that men would take a blowjob from anybody, gay or straight. That wouldn’t help you at all.”

“So,” Adam swallows, “What are you gonna do?”

Blaine smirks, looking up at him. He kneels closer, settling between Adam’s parted legs. “I’m going to touch you,” he says, lifting a hand and reaching out for him.

Adam instantly grabs him by his wrist, squeezing it nervously. “No, don’t,” he says, shaking his head, “Please, I hate it. Don’t do it.”

“Calm down!” Blaine can’t help but laugh, lightly slapping Adam’s hand to make him let him go. “I won’t do it, until you give me permission.”

“Then you never will. Besides, this breaks the no touching rule, so—”

“Adam, we set those rules when I still didn’t know what your problem really was,” Blaine explains, “Now it’s clear that you’ve got countless issues when it comes to get intimate with men, and that’s something I can actually help you with. I can help you getting used to it.”

“Okay, but then how come Leo doesn’t help with that?” Adam asks back, eager to rebut Blaine’s arguments, “I mean, we have sex all the time, and still it wasn’t enough to help me get used to it, so maybe I’m just not supposed to. What makes you think you’d make it?”

Blaine smiles tenderly, resting his elbows on Adam’s knees. “You don’t care shit about me,” he explains, “You’ll let me touch you, because if you happen to hate it you won’t hesitate to kick me away as hard as you can. Leo, on the other hand,” his smile turns sweeter, “You love him to bits. You’ll never let him touch you, because you wouldn’t kick him away even if you hated it. And you can’t afford to find out you hate Leo’s touch to that point, it’d be the end of it. Am I right?”

Adam parts his lips, anxious to reply with something, whatever, anything to tell Blaine he’s wrong, that he doesn’t know him and he doesn’t have the right to assume things about him, but he’s just halfway through the thought when he realizes Blaine’s just right. He got him. It’s just like that, and that’s why he finds the thought of Leo actually touching him so terrified. Because, what if he just hates it? What if he can’t stand it? How can they go on, still be an item, if Adam finds out that there’s no way he could let Leo touch him without squirming?

He has no idea how he would react, and finding out in such a situation terrifies him. That’s the whole thing. And Blaine saw it, he sees right through him, he just knows it, and Adam has no idea how he does it, but the mere fact that he manages amazes him, and scares him, and at the same time makes him feel comfortable, and somehow protected. Despite also feeling so naked and helpless under his all-knowing eyes.

“You’re right,” he admits, nodding slowly, “And I don’t know what to do.”

Blaine’s smile is sweeter, more sympathetic than it’s ever been. “You can start by closing your eyes,” he suggests.

Adam glares at him. “You’re not gonna do anything funny, are you?”

“I hope I’m going to do something fun,” Blaine chuckles. “Come on! Relax!” he invites Adam, rubbing his hands up Adam’s thighs, “It’s going to feel good, I promise.”

“I could still find it unbearable and kick you away,” Adam reminds him, resting more comfortably against the back of the chair.

“Yes, you could,” Blaine nods, and then smiles again, “But I hope you don’t. And not because I want to jerk you off, but because somehow, don’t ask me why, I want this to work out for you. For both of you, I mean. I appreciate your passion, your… dedication. Leo should be proud of you.”

“Well,” Adam smiles uneasily, unable to stop himself from blushing, “I hope he will, once I learn how to fuck properly.”

“We’re going to get there,” Blaine promises, nodding to himself. “Now, close your eyes and relax. Picture whatever you feel comfortable with. I’m not going to rush. Take your time and enjoy.”

Adam nods and closes his eyes, breathing deeply in and out and waiting for Blaine’s fingers to touch him, actually curious to see what kind of images they’re gonna trigger in his mind.

He’s not surprised, nor even disappointed, when the first image that comes to his mind once he feels Blaine’s fingertips on himself is actually Blaine kneeling between his legs. He blushes wildly, but he figures, biting at his bottom lips as he feels Blaine’s fingers run up and down on him, Blaine doesn’t need to know why.

The fact is, Leo pushes him over the edge so easily. Whenever he thinks about him, he just feels overwhelmed. He means so much to him. He’s all Adam’s been able to think about since he hit puberty. There were breaks in between one period of deep crushing over Leo and another, but still, that’s all they were. Breaks. Before them, there was Leo, and while they were happening Adam knew that after them Leo will still be there. Impossible to forget, impossible to get over.

He never liked any other boy, not a real one anyway. Sometimes his mind would come up with something, some fantasy guy, while he jerked off, and sometimes Blaine would pop up unannounced, especially when he and Leo were together, but those were just fantasies. Adam knows he’s never felt any attraction towards any guy who wasn’t Leo.

He doesn’t know what this makes of him. He’s almost sure he’s not gay, maybe he’s bisexual, but he wouldn’t know. He’s never been good with labels, which is why he learned how to define just a few and then stuck to them all his life. He doesn’t know how his sexual orientation could be described, he just knows Leo makes him crazy. He wants him, he wants all of him. He wants to be by his side, he wants to be his boyfriend, he wants to be able to touch him, to let him touch himself. He wants to give him pleasure, and he wants it so much the thought’s almost overwhelming. He can’t stand it. He can’t stand that there’s a chance he could fail. That he and Leo could just be incompatible. He knows it’s a possibility, but he’s not ready to accept it as actually possible. So he pushes the thought far away from himself, he buries it deep in his mind, in that place where he never looks, and he hopes that, keeping it there long enough, it’ll disappear.

So now that Blaine’s fingers dance on him, it makes sense that it’s Blaine’s face dancing beyond his eyelids.

Blaine’s easier to handle. Adam doesn’t care about giving pleasure to him. He’s grateful for what he’s doing, but honestly, he doesn’t even care that much about him as a person. He doesn’t go as far as thinking that he wouldn’t care anything even if Blaine died, or anything like that, but still, what Blaine does, what he thinks, how he feels, it’s none of his concern.

He’s just a beautiful, convenient thing to focus on while jerking off.

Before he knows it, he’s arching against the chair, he’s panting heavily, he’s holding onto Blaine’s shoulders as wild shivers shake his whole body, and before he knows it, he’s coming between Blaine’s fingers, shooting suddenly and uncontrollably, staining his shirt in white. The vague knowledge of having done something ridiculous only reaches him when he hears Blaine’s faint laughter, but it’s not until he opens his eyes and tries to focus on him that he really knows what happened.

“Jeez…” he makes a face, letting go of Blaine’s shoulders to reach out for some paper napkins on the table, passing a couple on to him, “I’m sorry.”

“Ah, don’t worry,” Blaine chuckles, accepting the napkins and using them to wipe Adam’s orgasm off himself, “I’ve seen worse.”

“I don’t doubt it,” Adam laughs, standing up from the chair to pull his pants up.

“One day, I’ll tell you,” Blaine teases him, “When you grow up.”

“Thanks, but no, thanks,” Adam laughs again. He sits back down because he doesn’t think his legs can keep him steady just yet, and he sighs, relieved.

Blaine smiles and walks back to the opposite side of the table, sitting down too. “So?” he asks, “How was it?”

“I don’t need to tell you,” Adam smirks, “You already know.”

“True,” Blaine chuckles, “So, how are you feeling now?”

Adam rests his elbows on the table, taking some moments to gather his thoughts. “Good, I guess,” he admits, “I thought it’d be worse. Like, that I’d feel dirty, or something.”

“But you don’t?” Blaine tries, looking at him and smiling.

Adam smiles back and shakes his head. “I don’t.”

“Mission accomplished, then,” Blaine chuckles, standing up once again and retrieving the mug, still half-filled with now cold chocolate. “I’ll see you soon, I guess?”

“Wait, what?” Adam frets, panicking, “You’re kicking me out already? Shouldn’t we, I don’t know, talk about it? Like, go through what happened and try to understand why—”

“Adam!” Blaine chuckles, turning around and leaning against the kitchen counter as he looks at the kid with amusement and fondness, “Go home! Go to your boyfriend! You don’t need to talk, you need to do. Believe me, it’ll be fine.”

Adam nods and sighs, kind of unwillingly standing up. It’s true that, now that he knows he can actually be touched by a man and find it pleasant, he’s less terrified than he was before. But it’s still not enough to say he’s not terrified at all.

Somehow, though, he’s got to believe it’s going to get better. And, right now, it only feels true if it’s Blaine saying it.

to be continued