LET’S PUT OUR STRONG FACE ON

(and go right through it)

Adam opened the door, and then closed it again in an instant, right on Blaine’s face.

“Oh, come on!” the man shouted from behind it, knocking insistently, “Let me in!”

“No way,” Adam moved away from the door, sitting back on the stool he had set right in the middle of the living room, in front of the easel with the blank canvas on. He has woken up that morning feeling as if he’d wanted to paint the first thing he had seen walking out of his bedroom, and that thing happened to be the glorious mess the living room was covered in.

Since Leo had been away for three days already, and Adam had made a strict rule out of not wanting to do the cleaning on his own – it was boring; and then, why would he have wanted to do them alone? It was Leo’s mess too –, there were clothes – some of them clean and folded, waiting to be put away in drawers and closets, some of them dirty, waiting to be put in the washing machine – scattered everywhere, on every piece of furniture, and the coffee table in front of the couch was covered in old magazines, dirty dishes and takeaway cartons. The couch itself wasn’t that better off: when Adam was alone, he tended to let himself go more than just a bit. He usually ended up sleeping on that couch more often than not, using the armrest as a pillow – despite how hard it was and how bad his neck would have felt the morning after – and just an old wool blanket his mother had made for him when he was little to cover himself. That blanked laid spread on the couch now, falling off one side and brushing the floor, while the armrest has already changed its shape according to Adam’s head weight, and also smelled a bit of his cologne.

The ensemble looked exactly as he had often imagined impressionist painters’ poor houses would look like, and he wanted to capture that feeling.

“Adam,” Blaine called out once again, resting against the door, “Come on, open up! It’s cold out here!”

“You’re welcome to freeze your ass all you like,” Adam shouted at him, getting back to sketch the room with charcoal on the canvas, “I didn’t ask you to come.”

“Yes, I know,” Blaine admitted, still knocking at the door every now and then, as if trying to unnerve him to force him to open it, “But I’m here, now, so…”

“So what?” Adam put the charcoal down, casting an irritated glance to the door. It was impossible to draw knowing Blaine was there, his mere presence was drawing all inspiration out of him. “As if I care if your cock turns to ice and falls to the ground breaking in pieces out there.”

Blaine took a couple of seconds, probably to picture it happen, before answering. “I think you spend way too much time fantasizing about my cock falling off in the weirdest ways.”

“Yeah, I’m so gonna open the door now that you accused me of fantasizing about your cock.”

“Why is this conversation getting so surreal?!” Blaine yelled in astonishment, knocking on the door again. “Come on, Adam, open up! At least listen to what I have to say!”

“I’m not interested in anything you could possibly want from me.”

“And what about something Leo could want from you?”

The air stood still for a long moment, no sounds breaking the perfect silence that had followed in Blaine’s words’ wake. Obviously, Blaine knew Adam and Leo had fought, Leo must have told him. It had been one of those fights born by silly arguments that have erupted into something more serious just because they both were incredibly, annoyingly stubborn.

Basically, Leo’s 19th birthday was approaching, and he had expressed the wish to have a birthday party organized at Blaine’s place in Westerville.

Adam had said there was no way in the world he could accept to spend his own money to get on a two hours train trip to the lair of the man he loathed the most in the entire history of humanity, and when Leo had told him it was okay, that he would have paid for the train ticket if that was the issue, Adam had insisted saying no, showing clearly that money weren’t the issue at all; as usual, after all, when Blaine ended up being involved there was a 99,9% chance he was the issue, especially for what concerned Adam, who was more than inclined to consider Blaine the one and only cause for any war, pestilence, famine, drought, flood and everything bad happening in the world as long as he was alive.

Adam and Leo had ended up fighting because Leo had insisted wanting to have the party at Blaine’s, and Adam had insisted not wanting to have anything to do with any party as long as it wasn’t happening in the flat they shared in Lima. Such opposite desires couldn’t be conciliated in the short time that took Leo to pack his things for a week or so and move to Blaine’s, and they haven’t spoken a single word to one another ever since. Which was probably the reason why Blaine was there now.

Adam honestly hated to be that subject to Leo’s every whim, but it wasn’t something he could exactly help. After all, they’d been glued to one another since before first grade. That was a shared lifetime, a bond none of them would have ever been able to cut, and so, sighing in frustration and annoyance, Adam stood up from the stool and walked back to the door, opening it and glaring at Blaine. “Speak.”

Blaine smirked, tilting his head a little. “I knew it would work.”

“I’m still in time to slam the door in your nose again, ruining your surgeon’s work,” Adam threatened him, hands on his hips.

“My surgeon’s work?” Blaine said, laughing and shaking his head, “You’re hilarious.”

“Are you going to say something interesting, already?” Adam insisted, ready to shut the door.

Blaine placed his hand on it, pushing a little, not to slam in open but to let Adam know he wouldn’t have let him close it anyway. “Are you going to let me in, already?” he mocked him with that hateful smirk still curling his full lips upwards.

“Fine!” Adam snorted, turning around and walking back to his stool, his easel, his beloved canvas, “Fine! Do whatever the hell you want! As usual!”

Blaine chuckled, letting himself in and casting an amused glance around the room, verifying the conditions it was in. “My God, Adam, should I be surprised you bothered to shower, at least? This place is a mess.”

“Did you really travel all the way from Westerville, leaving Leo all alone, just to come here and play the health inspector or something?” Adam snorted again, not even looking at him as he sat back on the stool and tried to resume his drawing.

“I don’t know,” Blaine chuckled, walking closer and bending over Adam’s shoulder to peek at the canvas, “Would it make you hot?”

“What?!” Adam almost screamed, jumping off the stool and backing off as fast as he could.

Blaine laughed again, amused by his hysterical reaction. “Yes, you know what I’m talking about, don’t you? Some women dream about the plumber, some other about the mailman, maybe you’ve got health inspector fantasies.”

“Shut up!” Adam yelled again, his cheeks getting red as he backed off until he reached the wall, against which he pressed himself, possibly to make sure nobody could attempt at the safety of his virgin ass. “I’m not a woman! I don’t have fantasies! And even if I did they wouldn’t be about you! Pervert!”

“Would you calm down?” Blaine laughed again, his elbow resting on the edge of the canvas, one hand in his pocket and the general attitude of the man who’s so cool nothing in the world could ever make him falter – an attitude Adam hated from the very depth of his soul. “Unfortunately for us both, I’m not here to molest you, which anyway would be a much more pleasant and satisfying activity compared to the one pertaining to a task, I hope you agree with me.”

“I don’t,” Adam instantly answered, shaking his head, “I mean, I’m not sure I’m following, but I don’t agree with you anyway.”

“Of course,” Blaine chuckled. “To make things clear, I’m here to pick you up.”

Adam frowned instantly, crossing his arms over his chest. “I’m not coming,” he said, growling a bit, “I already told Leo. He wanted his party at your place? Fine. He can’t expect me to come over too. I hate you. I won’t come to your house.”

“Adam, please,” Blaine sighed, “He feels horrible for fighting with you. He misses you and he wants you at his party. He’ll be miserable if you don’t come!”

Adam blinked a couple of times; the idea of Leo moping his absence made him feel lightheaded enough to bask in it for a moment. Unfortunately, he knew his best friend well enough to know he wasn’t sufficiently aware of anybody else’s feelings beside his own to really feel guilty for somebody’s absence. Anybody’s besides Blaine’s, of course.

“You’re making it up,” he sighed then, leaning with his back against the wall and looking away, “I bet he’s not even remotely sad.”

Blaine sighed too, his smile sweetening up a little as he got closer to him. “You know him,” he said, “He’s not the most sensitive of souls.”

“Yeah,” Adam grunted, “So why are you here? If he’s not even sad—”

“Because I know he’ll be,” Blaine answered, not even leaving him enough time to finish his sentence. That self-confident, calm smile was still lingering on his lips, and Adam found himself blushing, even though he wouldn’t have been able to explain why. “If you don’t come, he’ll be,” Blaine added, “He won’t show it and he’s more likely to express that sadness with anger than by… well, just being sad, but he’ll be anyway. And you know it just as well as I do,” he finished, his smile widening just a bit.

Still blushing, Adam looked down, sighing, and managed to let himself be honest enough to nod.

“Great,” Blaine said, clapping his hands in satisfaction a couple of times, “So you’re coming with me?”

Adam snorted, muttering some vague consent. After all, it was just a two hours trip in Blaine’s new, offensively expensive SUV. What could possibly go wrong?

*
Three hours later, after the car had shockingly decided to shut down and refuse to start again right in the middle of the heaviest storm ever seen while they were halfway through the highway to Westerville, Adam started to think God was clearly trying to punish him for whatever horrible sin he could have committed in his past life. He wasn’t sure he wasn’t mashing up two different religions while explaining his bad luck this way, but right now he couldn’t care less. He was stuck. In the same car with Blaine. In the middle of nowhere. And he couldn’t even get out for a walk because judging by the amount of rain that was falling he could have drowned out there!

“I hate you,” he said, right in the middle of his second sulking session – the first had started the moment the car had broken, and had stopped when Blaine had decided to stop playing the hero and trying to fix it on his own and finally surrendered to call for the assistance his outrageously expensive insurance covered for anyway.

“Adam…” Blaine whined, looking out the car window to try and spot the light van of his insurance company approaching through the pouring rain, “Please. I’m not overjoyed to be stuck here either, we both have to just wait for this situation to be over. Pouting will only make your lips look cuter and give you wrinkles, help won’t come any faster.”

“You could call one of your friends and ask them to come an pick us up!” Adam insisted.

“Adam, who could I possible ask to come out here in the middle of a damn storm?” Blaine tried to reason with him, “Besides, I can’t just leave the car here on its own. It’s new.”

“And it’s shit!” Adam barked, “It’s, like, two months old or something and it already broke! You sure have an eye for cars, don’t you?”

Blaine sighed, looking up at the ceiling for a moment, as if to wait to gather enough patience to answer him without slapping him. “My point still stands,” he explained. “Also, help’s on the way. I’m sure it’ll come soon.”

“God,” Adam whined, passing his hands over his face, “I hate you so much.”

“Adam, for fuck’s sake!” Blaine snorted then, hitting the steering wheel with both his hands, “What are you, twelve?! I’ve had it with you! I tried to be patient and to swallow your actually quite unbearable behavior for Leo’s sake, but this is starting to get too much for me to bear. Not only you practically force me to drive all the way to your filthy apartment in Lima—”

“Nobody asked you to!”

“Shut up! Not only you shut the door on my face, not only you act like the most insufferable prick who ever laid feet on the ground of Mother Earth, but you even have the nerve—”

“The nerve!”

“The nerve! to act as if the storm, the car breaking, everything bad happening in your life up until now was my fault! It’s not, alright? I haven’t stolen Leo away from you! It’s not my fault he didn’t even ever see you as a possible fucking tool! Get over yourself, already, for fuck’s sake! Accept me, for I can assure you I’m not planning on leaving anytime soon, or ever, for that matter! And accept me quickly, as in right now, or I swear to God I’ll kick you out and leave you here.”

Unable to stop the flood coming out of Blaine’s mouth, or to even interrupt him again to try and answer some of his accusations, Adam seemed to freeze in time. His eyes grew bigger and he stood there, staring at Blaine, his lips partly open in shock, and for a good couple of minutes, after Blaine had ended his invective, he kept staring at him, his lips trembling a bit while he attempted to find the words – and enough breath – to answer.

At some point, the gravity of what Blaine had just said finally got him, and he looked down, frowning.

The whole thing between Leo and him had always been a severe issue. It’s not like Adam was completely unaware of the depth of his feelings towards his best friend. He knew the way he felt about Leo wasn’t fully described by the word “friendship”. He also knew, though, that beside the fact that he had no chance to become Leo’s boyfriend, there was another equally important fact: he didn’t want to be Leo’s boyfriend. It wasn’t something he felt like to, he wasn’t alright with the implication of being boyfriend-y with a boy, let alone Leo, which would have been enough complicated even if he were gay after all.

Adam knew both Blaine and Annie – or anybody with eyes, for that matter – were aware of his condition. He knew Leo probably was the last person on Earth who still failed to notice.

But that just made even more unfair for Blaine to use that knowledge against him now.

He hated when people played dirty with him. He had no idea how to play dirty himself, he couldn’t fight back with the same weapon and that made him weak. And he despised feeling weak. He was a man, an adult man. He wasn’t built for weakness.

“…okay,” Blaine sighed, breaking the silence. Adam looked up at him and found him passing a hand over his eyes, as if to try and clear up his thoughts, “Is there any chance you could ever forget what I just told you and forgive me? I’m sorry, it wasn’t my place to—”

“You’re right,” he whispered, looking back down.

Blaine turned to look at him and took a moment to answer. “…yes, alright, but still. I shouldn’t have attacked you that way. It was low of me.”

“It was,” Adam nodded, and then bit at his lower lip. “That doesn’t make it less true.”

Blaine breathed in and out slowly, sitting more comfortably on his seat. “Listen, we don’t need to do it now,” he said, “We just have to spend another hour or so together, then help will come and we’ll be back on the road in no time. We could just listen to music.”

“You can’t tell me something like that and then expect me to act like nothing happened!” Adam snorted, “So, now, you listen to me.”

Blaine couldn’t help to scoff a small laughter as a light but sympathetic smile surfaced on his lips. “Alright,” he said, “I’m listening.”

Adam took a deep breath, looking away again. The thought of spilling the beans with Blaine was made somehow lighter by not having to look directly at him while doing so. “I hate you for being Leo’s boyfriend,” he said, “Whenever I think about it, I always thing I’d be so much better for him than you are.”

“That’s not overconfident at all,” Blaine joked, “As if Leo was an easy task. For anybody, for that matter.”

“Yeah, I know,” Adam smiled, a bit sadly, crouching his shoulders. “That’s the point. I always think I’d be better, but really, I know I wouldn’t. I’d be a mess. I mean, please. I can never explain myself, and Leo usually don’t get anything straight even with people who can. I’ve got no tact at all and Leo’s perfectly capable to get offended if you tell him you want to change the awnings in the kitchen. Not to mention the sex.”

“Now,” Blaine chuckled, “I can understand everything, but what about the sex? I’ve seen the way you look at him, don’t tell me you wouldn’t want to hit that.”

“Yes! Exactly!” Adam nodded, firing up altogether, “See, that’s exactly my point! In theory, I would! I so would. But then I think about the practical act of even just kissing him and it’s… eww. I mean, really. Just eww.”

“Oh, come on,” Blaine laughed, “You can’t put back up the straight guy mask now that you finally managed to admit you like him.”

“But it’s not a mask!” Adam insisted, “I don’t like men.”

Blaine smiled indulgently. “Have you tried?”

“You don’t need to eat shit to know that it tastes like shit,” Adam said, frowning, “Do you?”

“Kissing a man is not in any way comparable to eat shit, Adam,” Blaine laughed again. “Also, it’s so weird to discuss this with you.”

“I bet,” Adam snorted, “You’re Leo’s boyfriend.”

“Not because of that,” Blaine chuckled. “It’s just, I’m having such a massive déjà vu. It feels like history’s repeating itself, first I had to fix Leo and now I’ve got to fix you too.”

“Don’t you dare!” Adam backed away, pressing himself against the car door, “I know how you fixed Leo, lay a finger on me and I promise I’ll be the last thing you ever touch in your life!”

“Have you ever thought about doing it, though?” Blaine said calmly, ignoring his protest, “I mean, really. Not with Leo, because of course that’d be problematic for you, considering that he instantly makes you panic whenever you think about him that way. But what about some other guy, some random guy?”

“Like you, for example?” Adam snorted, side-eyeing him, “Is this a way to try and extort a kiss from me?”

“Yes, because, you know, I live for the day it’ll finally happen,” Blaine chuckled, making Adam blush in shame for having presumed it. The most irritating thing was that he knew Blaine would have liked to kiss him. Not because he had a soft spot for him or anything, actually Adam was pretty sure they honestly, wholeheartedly couldn’t stand each other, but because there wasn’t a single guy on Earth Blaine wouldn’t have wanted to kiss. He didn’t give the slightest meaning to the act himself. A kiss was just a kiss, something that could be done with everybody, even just to pass time, even out of boredom, even just because you needed to feel some pleasure, or some warmth, or some general closeness to another human being.

Adam hated this kind of attitude.

He also envied it to the point of getting angry at himself for not being able to share it, though.

“I never thought about it,” he admitted in a sigh, “Partly because I feel like I’m not supposed to, you know? I mean, I’m straight. I know I am. Even if I hadn’t already kissed and have sex with girls, I’d know it anyway, it’s not something that has to do with what you experience, you know what I mean? It’s just something you know.”

“I know,” Blaine smiled, nodding.

“So,” Adam reprised, “No, I haven’t. I never even asked myself if I should have. I mean, should I? Fantasize about men and all? But why?”

“Aren’t you just curious?” Blaine chuckled, “I mean, you clearly like a boy. You probably aren’t ready to turn this abstract statement into something more practical, you might as well never be, but aren’t you curious to know? To experience what kissing a man feels like, to see if it really is so different from kissing a girl and all?”

Adam looked up at him, nibbling nervously at his lower lip. “Even when I do… wonder,” he whispered, “I never manage to talk it out up to the point of deciding to try. Because, you know, I don’t talk about it with anybody. Usually.”

Blaine relaxed against the backseat, his lips curling upwards in an amused smile. “Well,” he said, “Now you did.”

Adam didn’t need to answer to that.

*
They had actually been making out for at least ten minutes straight, when they heard somebody knocking at the car window. They struggled to focus enough to part from one another, and when they did reality hit them both in the face, caring nothing for their general lack of preparation to deal with it.

“Fuck!” Adam yelled, backing off so violently he ended up hitting his back against the door handle as he tried to wipe his mouth with his forearm.

“Mister Anderson?” the man standing under the umbrella in the raging storm outside called out, tapping with two fingers against the glass covered in raindrops, “I’m sorry to intrude, but we’ve been here for a couple of minutes already, and…”

“Yes! Yes! Sure!” Blaine nodded quickly, opening the door and launching himself out of the car, “I’m sorry, thank you very much.”

“We brought along a courtesy car for you,” the man explained, gesturing behind himself to point at the shiny new black family car approaching, “So you can go home while we take care of your girl,” he added with a tentative smile.

“Oh my God,” Blaine said, nodding eagerly, “Thank you. Really, you’ve been overly kind, you shouldn’t have.”

“Actually, we did, sir,” the man answered, blinking at him, “It’s covered by your insurance.”

“Ah,” Blaine nodded again, passing a hand through his hair as they got damp with the pouring rain, “Yes, you’re right.”

“You’re… getting wet, sir,” the man tried, a little awkwardly, “May I suggest you to take the car? You’re not required to stay, we can take care of it.”

“Yes, sure,” Blaine nodded, pulling himself together enough to smile at the man and shake his head, “I’ll be in touch. Thank you for your kindness,” he said. He then proceeded to walk around the car and open the door for Adam, who was looking at him with such big, lost eyes that made him seem at least ten years younger. “We’re good to go,” he said.

Without a word, Adam walked out of Blaine’s car and into the courtesy one, and it wasn’t before another good twenty minutes that he gathered enough strength to speak again. “I don’t really think anybody needs to know,” he said.

“I agree,” Blaine nodded.

“Let’s just do as it never happened.”

“Yes,” Blaine nodded again, “You can count on me.”

“Thank you,” Adam nodded too, “And… thank you.”

As he kept driving under the pouring rain, Blaine smiled softly. “You’re welcome.”