I SWEAR

In his dreams, his brother was still vivid and fearfully real. He could even smell his scent of fresh paint and cigarette. He could almost touch him. He always felt like he really could, if he only had raised his hand, trying to reach him.
Still, Ed remained just a dream. Just a piece of memory. A pretty piece of memory, yeah, but like all the other memories so evanescent, so transparent, so fleeting. Like he didn’t really exist. Like he was just a creation of his imagination. Because he was so beautiful, so sweet and he tasted so well, he seemed too much to be a real person and not a dream.
And their love, too. How it seemed so unreal, when he wasn’t around. Unreal and hurting, like all the lies.
That’s why he didn’t want him to leave home.
He needed his reassurances. He needed his tender voice and loving glance, he needed his soft lips and gentle touch, he needed to feel, to be sure. Because everything in the world – especially his dad – was trying its hard to make him feel like what existed between them was just a passing thing, something they haven’t to worry about for the future.
When he, instead, felt so ready to be worrying about it forever.

*

He opened his eyes, taking a long, drowsy look over the room.
Christ, he was so fucking alone.
Someone opened the door.
- Yo, Alex!
Rosalie smiled at him lying casually on the wall behind her.
Well, not so fucking alone. But awakenings were the worst part of the day.
He sat down on the bed, smiling at her.
- What time is it? – he asked, rubbing sleep away from his eyes.
- Time to wake up and shine! – laughed her, strangely in a good mood.
- What happened? You seem happy…
- Because I am, obviously. You weren’t really thinking I was pretending to be happy just to reassure you, because you fainted yesterday, were you?
He laughed, making a slanderer.
- Of course not, I’m not so naïve. So, what are you so happy about?
She grinned, scrolling her shoulders.
- You’ll see if you get up.
- Ok, ok, I’ll be done in a minute…
- You’ve got thirty seconds.
- What?!
- What I said. You better be fast.
And she was off, without further explanations.
He stared at the closed door of his room for a time that seemed infinite.
Then, “Thirty seconds!”, he thought, and jumped down the bed as fast as he could, coming out of his room with his pajama still on. His mother was just next the door, and he risked to hit her, but he managed to avoid it.
- Alex! – called her, almost frightened, - What’s all the rush for?
- Eeer… where… where’s Rosie? – asked him confusedly, looking around himself like he was trying to find the surprise his sister had for him so easily.
- I saw her entering her room a second ago…
- Her room?
- Y-Yeah, but why… Al…?
Already gone.
Teri sighed, adjusting between her arms the basket of underclothes she was going to lay out.
“Anyway, he’s still a teen”, she thought, “there’s nothing to be worried about”.

*

- ROSIE, COULD I JUST KNOW WHY THE FUCK YOU WOKE ME UP SO EARLY IF WE WEREN’T GOING ANY-?!
His sister stared at him like he was some kind of strange animal, her arms crossed over her chest.
She was helping…
For Christ’s sake, she was helping Ed to organize all of his things in a bag,
By the time he saw his brother looking up to him and smiling sweetly, he was already crying.
- Close the fucking door, Alex! – moaned Rosalie, rolling her eyes.
He nodded, trying to wipe away his tears – “What the hell am I doing?, fuck, I just saw him!” – and recollect himself.
- Are you surprised, Al? – asked Ed with a sly smile.
Instead of answer, he ran to him. His urgency was so strong they almost fell on the floor embracing each others.
- God, how I missed you! – sighed Al, trying to drown in his chest pulling himself as closer to him as he could.
- I missed you too… - answered Ed caressing his shoulders, trying to calm him down.
- So… I think I’ll be doing… things… somewhere… - interfered Rosalie, looking falsely disinterested, her arms crossed behind her back.
The brothers smiled at her, gratefully. She was gone less than a second after.
- Well… - murmured Al, embarrassed, once the rush of being hugged by him was gone, - I think I’ll stand on my own feet now…
- No way… - Ed whispered, hugging him closer, inhaling his smell, - Stay like this a little longer…
- But brother, if somebody opens the door…
Ed laughed, caressing his cheek with two fingers.
- If I know well my sister, she’s standing in front of it, guarding it like a mastiff. – he said, muddling up his hair, - So stay like this, please…
Well, that wasn’t something Ed really had to beg for…
They stood that way for many long minutes, just feeling themselves through their clothes, inhaling themselves like there was just smell between them, touching themselves like they was the most precious and perfect thing in the world.
Just them.
Finally.
Again.
- By the way, brother… what were you doing here with this bag…?
- Uhm… I was just trying to collect all of my things… well, the most of them, at least…
Alex looked down to the floor, parting from his brother.
- Oh… I understand…
Ed stared at him.
- What’s wrong? – he asked, bowing to look him in the eyes.
He didn’t know if talking about how he felt was the right thing to do. Or the fair one. His brother was suffering too about that situation, he knew it for sure. He was so damn selfish, still fearing about their feelings… shouldn’t them were the only thing they could rely on? Shouldn’t them be their consolation, the thing to think about with joy when they were parted?
Yet, he felt so fucking insecure…
And there was no way he could hide it to his own brother. There was no way he could hide it to his own lover.
- Brother, I… I really don’t want you to go away…
Ed laughed.
- Like I wanted it, instead!
- I’m… I’m not saying anything like that… I’m just saying that maybe if I talk to Dad about-
- We already discussed about it, Al.
- Yeah, I know, but…
- But what? Do you think pushing him to let me stay home would make the situation better? Well, if you think that, let me say that unfortunately you’re damn wrong, Alex. The situation would just worsen and soon become impossible to tolerate. And if we arrive to that point, then there will be nothing to do to fix things up again. Do you understand that, Al?
He nodded mechanically. Not that he was totally convinced by his arguments – there was still a chance Dad decided to place his homophobia after his love for his children – but…
Hell, Ed was so fucking good calming him down… he just needed his words. The sound of his voice so close he could have take his words between his hands, if only sounds were tangible.
- Anyway, it’s not like I’m going to stay away forever or anything… I’ll be back. It won’t be soon and it wont be easy, but it definitely will be. I will convince dad. I will affirm ourselves, our love. I will. And I’m swearing it, now.
Al looked up on him.
He wouldn’t believe such romantic bullshits, normally. Even if he liked them all, he was quite aware that things like those worked only in movies. That, for example, was the reason he liked that kind of movies so much.
But his eyes.
His eyes were telling thousand more things then his mouth. They was swearing, yes. But they wasn’t just swearing for a victory, nor for an affirmation. They was swearing for love, for kisses, for hugs, they was wearing for tenderness and caring glances, they was swearing for the purest and the most lustful touch. They was swearing for those things to exist eternally.
To those eyes he could believe more than to any word.
And he did.
Blindly.

*

- I didn’t mean to interrupt anything… - said Rosalie opening the door and quickly making her way in, - But I’m going to go out with Amy in, say, half an hour, and I have to get ready for a date, so, you know, I can’t just stay out staring at the door forever. Also because mom’s getting suspicious about it.
Alexander laughed, shrugging his shoulders.
- Sorry, Rosie, we were into a deep talking…
- I bet…
- We really were! – said Ed, smiling amusingly.
Kind of already heard.
And how tender was that feeling?
- Well, well, I do not have the time to discuss it now, so take this – she said, throwing Edward his toothbrush – and go already!
He knew she just didn’t want him out of her house. She just wanted him safe from her fathers clutches. She was such a good girl, after all. Such a precious ally.
Edward closed his bag and nodded, reaching quickly the window.
- Brother, wait- are you really going to jump off it?!
Ed nodded again, laughing.
- Sure I am! It’s frickin’ funny, too, you should try it!
Al released his arms down his hips, giving up trying to understand him.
- You really are crazy, after all…
- Sure he is, just like any of us. Didn’t you notice, Al? We’re totally insane!
The three of them laughed; a bit relieved, a bit already sad – just a minute and they wouldn’t have been “the three of them” anymore.
- So, I’m going. – said the elder brother, looking outside the window.
- Brother! W-wait! – said Al, running toward him and catching him for the collar of his shirt.
Then, a kiss.
The kiss.
The one they were waiting to share since they saw each others in the light of the morning, safe in Rosalie’s room.
So innocent. So damn good.
- I do believe in you, Ed. I do believe in your promises. So don’t you dare… - he looked down, eyes quickly full of tears, - don’t you dare disappoint me.
Ed smiled, still a bit surprised.
- I won’t. – he said calmly; and then he jumped.
Rosalie and Alexander went on looking at him as he ran away, the bag dancing confusingly behind his shoulders.
- Did he promised to kidnap you and take you to his castle beyond the clouds? Because you two seemed just like the beautiful princess and the charming prince from the fables, right now…
Al shook his head, smiling quietly.
- He just told me once again he loves me.
“Even if it was a completely new way to say it”.
She snorted, rolling her eyes.
- Like you needed it.
- I needed it. And he knew. He always does.
She smiled, a little envious.
- You two really are disgusting…
And then just laughs echoed in the air, cutting their breath, filling up the hole of Ed’s absence, again and again, “Just laugh, Rosie, just laugh with me until we finally win”.